K000637.000.txt

JOHN BULL
Still
In His SENSES:
BEING THE
THIRD PART
OF
Law is a Bottomless-Pit.Printed from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of
the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth: And
Publish'd (as well as the two former Parts) by
the Author of the New Atalantis.LONDON:
Printed for John Morphew, near Stationer's-Hall,
1712. (Price 4d.)THE CONTENTS.THE Publisher's PrefaceCHAP. I. The Character of John Bull's Mother. CHAP. II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg;
 with the Quarrels that happen'd between
Master and Miss in their Childhood. CHAP. III Jack's Charms, or the Method by which he
gain'd Peg's Heart. CHAP. IV. How the Relations Reconcil'd John and his
Sister Peg, and what Return Peg made 
John's Message. CHAP. V. Of some Quarrels that happen'd after Peg
 was taken into the Family. CHAP. VI. The Conversation between John Bull and his
Wife. CHAP. VII. Of the hard Shifts Mrs. Bull was put to, to
preserve the Mannor of Bullocks-Hatch,
 with Sir Roger's Method of keeping off importunate
Duns. CHAP. VIII. A Continuation of the Conversation between 
John Bull and his Wife. CHAP. IX. A Copy of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull.CHAP. X. Of some extraordinary Things that pass'd at
the Salutation Tavern, in the Conference
between Bull, Frog, Esquire South and 
Lewis Baboon.The Publisher's PREFACE.THE World is much indebted to the famous Sir
Humphry Polesworth, for his ingenious and impartial
Account of John Bull's Law-Suit; yet
there is just Cause of Complaint against him,
in that he retails it only by Parcels, and won't give
us the whole Work; This forces me, who am only the
Publisher, to bespeak the Assistance of his Friends and
Acquaintance, to engage him to lay aside that stingy
Humour, and gratify the Curiosity of the Publick, at
once. He pleads in excuse, that they are only private
Memoirs, wrote for his own Use, in a loose Style, to
serve as a help to his ordinary Conversation. I represented
to him the good Reception the two first Parts
had met, that tho' they had been calculated by him,
only for the Meridian of Grubstreet, yet they were taken
Notice of by the better sort; that the World was
now sufficiently acquainted with John Bull, and interested
it self in his little Concerns. He Answer'd with
a Smile, that he had indeed some trifling Things to
impart that concerned John Bull's Relations and Domestick
Affairs; if these would satisfy me, he gave
me free leave to make use of them, because they would
serve to make the History of the Law-Suit more intelligible.
When I had look'd over the Manuscript, I
found likewise some further Account of the Composition,
which perhaps may not be unacceptable to such
as have read the two former Parts.CHAP. I. The Character of John Bull's Mother.JOHN had a Mother, whom he Lov'd and Honour'd
extremely, a Discreet, Grave, Sober Good Condition'd,
Cleanly Old Gentlewoman, as ever
liv'd; she was none of your Cross-grain'd termagant

scolding Jades, that one had as good be hang'd as
live in the House with, such as are always censuring
the Conduct, and telling scandalous Stories of their
Neighbours, extolling their own good Qualities, and
undervaluing those of others. On the contrary, she
was of a Meek Spirit, and as she was strictly Virtuous
her self, so she always put the best Construction upon
the Words and Actions of her Neighbours, except
where they were irreconcileable to the Rules of Honesty
and Decency. She was neither one of your precise
Prudes, nor one of your phantastical old Belles, that
Dress themselves like Girls of Fifteen; as she neither
wore a Ruff, Fore-head Cloth, nor High-crown'd
Hat, so she had laid aside Feathers, Flowers, and
crimpt Ribons in her Head-dress, Furbulow Scarfs and
Hoop'd Petticoats. She scorn'd to Patch and Paint,
yet she lov'd to keep her Hands and her Face Clean.
Tho' she wore no flaunting lac'd Ruffles, she would
not keep her self in a constant Sweat with greasy Flannel:
Tho' her Hair was not stuck with Jewels, she
was not asham'd of a Diamond Cross; she was not
like some Ladies, hung about with Toys and Trinkets,
Twiser Cases, Pocket-Glasses and Essence Bottles; she
us'd only a Gold Watch and an Almanack, to mark
the Hours and the Holy-Days. Her Furniture was
neat and genteel, well fancy'd with a bon Goust. As
she affected not the Grandeur of a State with a Canopy,
she thought there was no Offence in an Elbow
Chair; she had laid aside your Carving, Gilding and
Japan Work, as being too apt to gather Dirt, but
she never could be prevail'd upon to part with plain
Wainscot and clean Hangings. There are some Ladies
that affect to smell a stink in every Thing; they
are always highly perfum'd, and continually burning
Frankincense in their Rooms; she was above such Affectation,
yet she never would lay aside the Use of
Brooms and scrubbing Brushes, and scrupl'd not to lay
her Linnen in fresh Lavender: She was no less genteel
in her Behaviour, well-bred without Affectation, in
the due mean between one of your affected Cursying

pieces of Formality, and your Romps that have
no regard to the common Rules of Civility. There
are some Ladies that affect a Mighty regard for their
Relations; We must not Eat to Day, for my Uncle Tom,
or my Cousin Betty dy'd this time ten Years; Let's have
a Ball to Night, it is my Neighbour such a ones Birth-day;
she look'd upon all this as Grimace; yet she constantly
observ'd her Husband's Birth-day, her Wedding-day,
and some few more. Tho' she was a truly good
Woman, and had a sincere Motherly Love for her Son
John, yet there wanted not those who endeavour'd to
create a Misunderstanding between them, and they
had so far prevail'd with him once, that he turn'd her
out of Doors to his geeat Sorrow, as he found afterwards,
for his Affairs went all at sixes and sevens. She
was no less Judicious in the turn of her Conversation
and Choice of her Studies, in which she far exceeded
all her Sex; your Rakes that hate the Company of all
sober, grave Gentlewomen, would bear hers, and she
would by her handsome manner of proceeding sooner
reclaim than some that were more sower and reserv'd;
she was a zealous Preacher up of Chastity, and Conjugal
Fidelity in Wives, and by no means a Friend to
the new-fangl'd Doctrine of the Indispensible Duty of
Cuckoldom: Tho she advanc'd her Opinions with a
becoming Assurance, yet she never usher'd them in,
as some positive Creatures will do, with dogmatical
Assertions, This is infallible; I cannot be mistaken;
none but a Rogue can deny it. It has been observ'd that
such People are oftner in the Wrong than any Body;
tho' she had a thousand good Qualities, she was not
without her Faults, amongst which one might perhaps
reckon too great Lenity to her Servants, to whom
she always gave good Counsel, but often too gentle
Correction. I thought I could not say less of John
Bull's Mother, because she bears a part in the following
Transactions.CHAP. II. The Character of John Bull's Sister Peg, with the Quarrels
that happen'd between Master and Miss, in their Childhood.JOHN had a Sister a poor Girl that had been starv'd
at Nurse; any Body would have guess'd Miss to
have been bred up under the Influence of a cruel
Step-Dame, and John to be the Fondling of a tender
Mother. John look'd ruddy and plump, with a pair
of Cheeks like a Trumpeter; Miss look'd pale and
wan, as if she had the Green-Sickness; and no wonder
for John was the Darling, he had all the good Bits,
was cramm'd with good Pullet, Chicken, Pig, Goose
and Capon; while Miss had only a little Oatmeal and
Water, or a dry Crust without Butter. John had his
golden Pippens, Peaches and Nectarnes; poor Miss
a Crap Apple, Sloe or Blackberry. Master lay in the
best Apartment, with his Bed Chamber toward the
South Sun. Miss lodg'd in a Garret, expos'd to the
North Wind, which shrevel'd her Countenance;
however, this Usage tho it stunted the poor Girl in
her Growth, gave her a hardy Constitution; she had
Life and Spirit in abundance, and knew when she was
ill used; Now and then she would seize upon John's
Commons, snatch a Leg of a Pullet, or a bit of good
Beef, for which they were sure to go to Fisticuffs.
Master was indeed too strong for her, but Miss would
not yield in the least Point, but ev'n when Master
had got her down, she would scratch and bite like a
Tyger; when he gave her a Cuff on the Ear, she
would prick him with her Knitting-Needle. John
brought a great Chain one Day to tye her to the Bed
Post, for which Affront Miss aim'd a Pen-knife at his
Heart: In short, these Quarrels grew up to rooted
Aversions, they gave one another Nicknames, she
call'd him Gundyguts, and he call'd her Lousy Peg:
Tho' the Girl was a right clever Wench as any was,
and thro' her pale Looks, you might discern Spirit and
Vivacity, which made her not indeed a perfect Beauty,
but something that was agreeable. It was barbarous

in Parents not to take Notice of these early Quarrels,
and make them live better together, such Domestick
Fewds proving afterwards the occasion of Misfortunes
to them both. Peg had indeed some odd Humours and
comical Antipathy, for which John would jeer her.
What think you of my Sister Peg (says he) that faints at
the Sound of an Organ, and yet will dance and frisk at the
Noise of a Bagpipe? What's that to you, Gundy-guts,
(quoth Peg) every Body's to chuse their own Musick.' Then
Peg had taken a Fancy not to say her Pater-noster,
which made People imagine strange things of her. Of
the three Brothers that have made such a Clutter in
the World, Lord Peter, Martin and Jack; Jack had of
late been her Inclinations; Lord Peter she detested;
nor did Martin stand much better in her good Graces,
but Jack had found the way to her Heart. I have
often admir'd what Charms she discover'd in that
aukward Booby, till I talk'd with a Person that was
acquainted with the Intrigue, who gave me the following
Account of it.CHAP. III. Jack's Charms, or the Method by which he gain'd Peg's
Heart.IN the first place, Jack was a very young Fellow, by
much the youngest of the three Brothers, and People
indeed wonder'd how such a young upstart Jackanapes
shou'd grow so pert and saucy, and take so
much upon him. (2.) Jack brag'd of greater Abilities
than other Men; he was well gifted, as he pretended;
I need not tell you what secret Influence that has upon
the Ladies. (3.) Jack had a most scandalous Tongue,
and persuaded Peg that all Mankind besides himself
were pox'd by that scarletfac'd Whore Signiora Bubonia.As for his Brother Lord Peter, the Tokens
were evident in him Blotches, Scabs, and the Corona:
His Brother Martin though he was not quite
so bad, had some nocturnal Pains, which his Friends
pretended were only Scorbutical; but, he was sure,
proceeded from a worse Cause. By such malicious
Insinuations, he had possess'd the Lady, that he was

the only Man in the World, of a sound, pure, and
untainted Constitution: Tho' there were some that
stuck not to say, that Signiora Bubonia and Jack rail'd
at one another, only the better to hide an Intrigue;
and, that Jack had been found with Signiora under
his Cloak, carrying her home in a dark stormy Night.
(4.) Jack was a prodigious Ogler; he would Ogle
you the outside of his Eye inward, and the White upward.
(5.) Jack gave himself out for a Man of great
Estate in the Fortunate Islands, of which the sole Property
was vested in his Person; by this Trick he cheated
abundance of poor People of small Sums, pretending
to make over Plantations in the said Islands;
but, when the poor Wretches came there with Jack's
Grant, they were beat, mock'd, and turn'd out of
Doors. (6.) I told you that Peg was whimsical, and
lov'd any thing that was particular: In that way Jack
was her Man; for he neither thought, spoke, dress'd,
nor acted like other Mortals: He was for your bold
Strokes; he rail'd at Fops, tho' himself the most affected
in the World; instead of the common Fashion,
he would visit his Mistress in a Mourning Cloak, Band,
short Cuffs, and a peaked Beard. He invented a way
of coming into a Room backwards, which he said shew'd
more Humility, and less Affectation: where other
People stood, he sat; where they sat, he stood; when
he went to Court, he us'd to kick away the State, and
sit down by his Prince Cheek by Choul, Confound these
States (says he) they are a modern Invention; when he
spoke to his Prince he always turn'd his Brch
upon him; if he was advis'd to fast for his Health he
would eat Roast beef; if he was allow'd a more plentiful
Diet, then he would be sure that Day to live
upon Watergruel; he would cry at a Wedding, laugh
and make Jests at a Funeral. He was no less singular
in his Opinions; you would have burst your sides to
hear him talk Politicks: All Governments (says
he) is founded upon the right Distribution of Punishments;
decent Executions keep the World in
awe; for that Reason the Majority of Mankind

ought to be hang'd every Year; for Example, I
suppose, the Magistrate ought to pass an irreversible
Sentence upon all blue-ey'd Children from the Cradle;
but that there may be some shew of Justice in
his proceeding, these Children ought to be Train'd
up, by Masters appointed for that purpose, to all
sorts of Villany, that they may deserve their Fate,
and the Execution of them may serve as an Object
of Terror to the rest of Mankind. As to the giving
of Pardons he had this singular Method, That when
these Wretches had the Ropes about their Necks, it
should be enquired, who believ'd they should be
hanged, and who not? The first were to be Pardon'd,
the last hang'd out-right: Such as were once pardon'd,
were never to be hang'd afterwards, for any
Crime whatsoever. He had such Skill in Physiognomy,
that he would pronounce peremptorily upon a
Mans Face, That Fellow (says he) do what he will,
can▪t avoid Hanging; he has a hanging Look. By
the same Art, he would prognosticate a Principality
to a Scoundrel. He was no less particular in the
Choice of his Studies; they were generally bent towards
exploded Chimera's, the perpetum Mobile, the
circular Shot, Philosopher's Stone, and silent Gunpowder,
making Chains for Flea's, Nets for Flies,
and Instruments to unrevel Cobwebs, and split Hairs.
Thus, I think, I have given you a distinct Account of
the Methods he practis'd upon Peg. Her Brother would
now and then ask her. What a Devil dost thou see
in that pragmatical Coxcomb, to make thee so in
Love with him? He is a fit Match for a Tailor or a
Shoemaker's Daughter, but not for you that are a
Gentlewoman. Fancy is free (quoth Peg) I'll take
my awn way, do you take yours; I do no care for
your flaunting Beaus, that gang with their Breasts
open, and their Sarks over their Waistcoats, that
accost me with set Speeches out of Sidney's Arcadia,
or, The Academy of Compliments. Jack is a sober grave
Youngman; tho' he has none of your study'd Harangues,
his Meaning is sincere: He has a great Regard

to his Father's Will; and he that shews himself
a good Son, will make a good Husband; besides, I
know he has the Original Deed of Conveyance to
the Fortunate Islands; the others are Counterfeits.
There is nothing so obstinate as young Ladies in their
Amours; the more you Cross them, the Worse they
are.CHAP. IV. How the Relations reconcil'd John and his Sister Peg, and
what return Peg made to John's Message.JOHN BULL, otherwise a good natur'd Man,
was very hard-hearted to his Sister Peg, chiefly
from an Aversion he had conceived in his Infancy.
While he flourish'd, kept a warm House, and drove a
plentiful Trade, poor Peg was forc'd to go hawking
and pedling about the Streets, selling Knives, Scissars
and Shoe-buckles; now and then carry'd a Basket of
Fish to the Market; sow'd, spun and knit for a poor
Livelihood, till her Fingers-end were sore; and when
she could not get Bread for her Family, she was forc'd
to hire 'em out at Journey-work to her Neighbours;
Yet in these her poor Circumstances, she still preserv'd
the Air and Mien of a Gentlewoman; a certain decent
Pride, that extorted Respect from the haughtiest of
her Neighbours; when she came into any full Assembly,
she would not yield the pas to the best of them.
If one ask'd her, Are not you related to John Bull?
Yes (says she) he has the Honour to be my Brother.
So Peg's Affairs went, till all the Relations cry'd out
shame upon John, for his barbarous Usage of his own
Flesh and Blood; that it was an easie matter for him
to put her in a credible way of living, not only without
Hurt, but with Advantage to himself, being she
was an industrious Person, and might be serviceable
to him in his way of Business. Hang her, Jade, (quoth
John) I can't endure her, as long as she keeps that
Rascal Jack's Company. They told him, the way to
reclaim her was to take her into his House; that by
Conversation, the childish Humours of their younger
days might be worn out. These Arguments were enforc'd

by a certain Incident. It happen'd that John
was at that time about making his Will, and entailing
his Estate, the very same in which Nic. Frog is nam▪d
Executor. Now his Sister Peg's Name being in the
Entail, he could not make a thorough Settlement
without her Consent. There was indeed a malicious
Story went about as if John's last Wife had fall'n in
love with Jack, as he was eating Custard a Horseback;
that she perswaded John to take his Sister Peg into
the House the better to drive on her Intrigue with
Jack, concluding he would follow his Mistress Peg. All
I can infer from this Story is, that when one has got
a bad Character in the World, People will report
and believe any thing of them, true or false. But to
return to my Story; when Peg receiv'd John's Message,
she huff'd and storm'd like the Devil: My Brother
John (quoth she) is grown wondrous kind hearted
all of a suddain, but I meikle doubt, whether it be
not mair for his awn Conveniency than my good; he
draws up his Weits and his Deeds forsooth, and I
mun set my Hand to them, unsight unseen. I like
the young Man he has settled upon well enough, but
I think I ought to have a valuable Consideration
for my Consent: He wants my poor little Farm,
because it makes a Nook in his Park Wall; ye may
e'en tell him, he has mair than he makes good use
of; he gangs up and down drinking, roaring and
quarrelling through all the Countrey Merkats making
foolish Bargins in his Cups, which he repents
when he is sober; like a thriftless Wretch, spending
the Goods and Gear that his Fore-Fathers won with
the Sweat of their Brows; light come, light go▪ he
cares not a Farthing: But why should I stand Surety
for his silly contracts? the little I have is free, and
I can call it my own; Hame's hame be it never so
hamely; I ken him well enough, he could never abide
me, and when he has his ends he'll e'en use me
as he did before; I'm sure I shall be treated like a
poor Drudge; I shall be set to tend the Bairns, darn
the Hose, and mend the Linnen. Then there's no

living with that auld Carline his Mother, she rails
at Jack and Jack's an honester man than any of her
Kin: I shall be plagu'd with her Spells and her Paternosters
and silly auld warld Ceremonies: I mun never
pair my Nails on a Friday, nor begin a Journy
on Childermas day, and I mun stand becking and binging
as I gang out and into the Hall: Tell him he
may e'en gan his get, I'll have nothing to do with
him, I'll stay like the poor Country Mouse, in my
own Habitation. So Peg talkt; but for all that,
by the Interposition of good Friends, and by many a
bonny thing that were sent and many more that were
promis'd Peg, the matter was concluded, and Peg taken
into the House upon certain Articles; one of
which was, That she might have the Freedom of Jack's
Conversation, and might take him for Better and for
Worse, if she pleas'd; provided always, he did not
come into the House at unseasonable Hours, and disturb
the Rest of the Old Woman, John's Mother.CHAP. V. Of some Quarrels that happen'd after Peg was taken into
the Family.IT is an old Observation, that the Qnarrels of Relations
are harder to reconcile than any other; Injuries
from Friends fret and gall more and the Memory
of them is not so easily obliterated: This is cunningly
represented by one of your old Sages, called Aesop, in
the Story of the Bird, that was griev'd extremely,
for being wounded with an Arrow feather'd with his
own Wing; as also of the Oak that let many a heavy
Groan, when he was cleft with a Wedge of his own
Timber. There was no Man in the World less subject
to Rancour than John Bull, considering how often
his good Nature had been Abus'd; yet I don't know,
but he was too apt to hearken to tatling People, that
carried Tales between him and his Sister Peg, on purpose
to sow Jealousies, and set them together by the
ars: They say that there were some Hardships put
upon , that had been better let alone; but it was
the Business of good People to restrain the Injuries on

one side, and moderate the Resentments on the other;
a good Friend acts both parts, the one without the
other will not do. The Purchase-Money of Peg's Farm
was ill paid; then Peg lov'd a little good Liquor, and
the Servants shut up the Wine-Cellar, but for that Peg
found a Trick, for she made a false Key; Peg's Servants
complain'd that they were debar'd from all manner
of Business, and never suffer'd to touch the least
thing within the House; if they offered to come into
the Warehouse, then strait went the Yard slap over
their Noddle; if they ventur'd into the Counting-Room,
a Fellow would throw an Ink bottle at their
Head; if they came into the best Apartment, to set
any thing there in order, they were saluted with a
Broom; if they meddl'd with any thing in the Kitchen,
it was odds but the Cook laid them over the
Pate with a Ladle; one that would have got into the
Stables, was met by two Rascals, who fell to work
with him with a Brush and a Curry-comb; some climbing
up into the Coach box, were told, that one of
their Companions had been there before that could
not drive, then slap went the long Whip about their
Ears: On the other Hand it was complain'd, that Peg's
Servants were always asking for Drink-Money, that they
had more than their share of the Christmas-box; to say
the Truth, Peg's Lads bustl'd pretty hard for that, for
when they were endeavouring to Lock it up, they got
in their great Fists, and pull'd out Handfuls of Half-Crowns,
some Shillings and Six-pences, others in the
Scramble pick'd up Guineas and Broad-pieces. But
there happen'd a worse thing than all this, it was complain'd
that Peg's Servants had great Stomachs, and
brought too many of their Friends and Acquaintance
to the Table; that John's Family was like to be Eat
out of House and Home. Instead of regulating this
Matter as it ought to be, Peg's young Men were thrust
away from the Table; then there was the Devil and
all to do, Spoons, Plates and Dishes, flew about the
Room like mad, and Sir Roger, who was now Major
Domo, had enough to do to quiet them. Peg said this

was contrary to Agreement, whereby she was in all
things to be treated like a Child of the Family; then
she call'd upon those that had made her such fair Promises,
and undertook for her Brother John's good Behaviour;
but alas! to her Cost, she found that they
were the first and readiest to do her the Injury. John
at last agreed to this Regulation, that Peg's Footme
might sit with his Book-keeper, Journey-men and Apprentices;
and Peg▪s better sort of Servants might sit
with his Footmen, if they pleas'd.Then they began to order-Plumb Porridge and
Minc'd Pies for Peg's Dinner: Peg told them she had
an Aversion to that sort of Food; that upon forcing
down a Mess of it some Years ago, it threw her into
a Fit, 'till she brought it up again: Some alledg'd it
was nothing but Humour, that the same Mess should
be serv▪d up again for Supper, and Breakfast next
Morning; others would have made use of a Horn,
but the Wiser sort bid let her alone, and she might
take to it of her own Accord.CHAP. VI. The Conversation between John Bull and his Wife.Mrs. Bull.THO' our Affairs, Honey are in a bad
Condition. I have a better Opinion
of them since you seem to be convinc'd
of the Ill Course you have been in, and are resolv'd
to submit to proper Remedies. But when I consider
your immense Debts▪ your foolish Bargains and the
general Disorder of your Business, I have a Curiosity
to know what Fate or Chance has brought you into
this Condition.J. Bull.I wish you would talk of some other Subject,
the Thoughts of it make me mad, our Family
must have their run.Mrs. Bull.But such a strange thing as this, never
happen'd to any of your Family before; they have had
Law Suits, but tho' they spent the Income, they never
Mortgag'd the Stock: Sure you must have some of the
 or the Norfolk Blood in you; prithee give me
some Account of thse Matters.J. Bull.Who could help it? There lives not such
a Fellow by Bread, as that Old Lewis Baboon, it is
the cheatingest, contentious Rogue, upon the Face of
the Earth. You must know, one Day as Nic. Frog and
I were over a Bottle making up an old Quarrel, the
old Knave would needs have us drink a Bottle of his
Champaigne, and so one after another, till my Friend
Nic. and I, not being used to such heady Stuff got
bloody Drunk. Lewis all the while, either by the
Strength of his Brain, or Flinching his Glass, kept himself
sober as a Judge. My worthy Friends (quoth
Lewis) henceforth let us live Neighbourly, I am as
peaceable and quiet as a Lamb, of my own Temper,
but it has been my Misfortune to live among quarrelsom
Neighbours. There is but one thing can make
us fall out, and that is the Inheritance of Lord Strutt▪s
Estate; I am content, for Peace sake to wave my
Right, and submit to any Expedient to prevent a
Law-Suit; I think an equal Division will be the fairest
way. Well mov'd Old Lewis (quoth Frog) and I
hope my Friend John here will not be Refractory. At
the same time he clap'd me on the Back, and slabber▪d
me all over from Cheek to Cheek, with his great
Tongue. Do as you please, Gentlemen (quoth I) 'tis
all one to John Bull. We agreed to part that Night,
and next Morning to meet at the Corner of Lord
Strutt's Park Wall, with our surveying Instruments,
which accordingly we did. Old Lewis carried a Chain
and a Semicircle, Nic Paper, Rulers and a Lead Pencil,
and I follow'd at some distance with a long Pole.
We began first with surveying the Meadow-Grounds,
afterwards we measur'd the Corn Fields Close by Close,
then we proceeded to the Wood-Lands, the Copper
and Tin Mines. All this while Nic. laid down every
thing exactly upon Paper, calculated the Acres and
Roods to a great Nicety. When we had finish'd the
Land, we were going to break into the House and
Gardens, to take an Inventory of his Plate, Pictures,
and other Furniture.Mrs. Bull.What said Lord Strutt to all this?J. Bull.As we had almost finish'd our Concern, we
were accosted by some of Lord Strutt's Servants:
Hey day, what's here? What a Devils the meaning
of all these Trangams and Gimcracks, Gentlemen?
What, in the name of Wonder, are you gong
about, jumping over my Master's Hedges, and running
your Lines cross his Grounds? If you are at any
Field-Pastime, you might have ask'd leave, my Master
is a civil well-bred Person as any is.Mrs. Bull.What could you Answer to this?J. Bull.Why truly my Neighbour Frog and I were
still hot-headed; we told him his Master was an Old
doating Puppy that minded nothing of his own Business;
that we were Surveying his Estate, and settling
it for him, since he would not do it himself. Upon this
there happen'd a Qurrrel but we being stronger than
they, sent them away with a Flea in their Ear. They
went home, and told their Master, My Lord (say
they) there are three odd sort of Fellows going about
your Grounds with the strangest Machines that
ever we beheld in our Life; I suppose they are going
to Rob your Orchard, fell your Trees, or drive away
your Cattle; they told us strange things of settling
your Estate: One is a lusty old Fellow, in a
black Wig, with a black Beard, without Teeth; there's
another thick squat Fellow in Trunk-Hose; the third is
a little long Nos'd, thin Man. (I was then Lean, being
just come out of a fit of Sickness.) I suppose it is fit to
send after them, lest they carry something away.Mrs. Bull.I fancy this put the Old Fellow in a rare
Tweag.John Bull.Weak as he was, he call'd for his long Toledo
swore and bounc'd about the Room, Sdeath!
what am I come to, to be Affronted so by my Tradesmen?
I know the Rascals! my Barber, Clothier and
Linnen-Draper, dispose of my Estate! bring hither
my Blunderbuss I'll warrant ye you shall see Daylight
through them. Scoundrels! Dogs! the Scum
of the Earth! Frog, that was my Fathers Kitchenboy,
he pretend to meddle with my Estate! with my
Will! Ah poor Strutt, what art thou come to at last,
thou hast liv'd too long in the World, to see thy Age

and Infirmity so despis'd? How will the Ghosts of my
noble Ancestors receive these Tidings? They cannot,
must not sleep quietly in their Graves. In short,
the Old Gentleman was carried off in a Fainting Fit,
and after bleeding in both Arms hardly recover▪d.Mrs. Bull.Really this was a very extraordinary way
of Proceeding: I long to hear the rest of it.J. Bull.After we had come back to the Tavern, and
taken t'other Bottle of Champaigne, we quarrell'd a
little about the Division of the Estate; Lewis hall'd
and pull'd the Map on one side, and Frog and I on t'other,
till we had like to have tore the Parchment to
pieces. At last Lewis pull'd out a pair of great Taylor's
Shears and clip'd off a Corner for himself, which
he said was a Mannor that lay convenient for him,
and left Frog and me the rest to dispose of, as we pleas'd.
We were over-joy'd, to think Lewis was contented with
so little, not smelling what was at the bottom of the
Plot. There happen'd, indeed, an Incident, that
gave us some Disturbance; A Cunning Fellow, one
of my Servants, two Days after, peeping through the
Key-hole, observ'd that Old Lewis had stole away
our part of the Map, and saw him fiddling and turning
the Map from one Corner to the other, trying to
join the two pieces together again: He was muttering
something to himself, which he did not well hear,
only these Words, 'Tis great Pity, 'tis great Pity! My
Servant added, that he believ'd this had some ill-meaning;
I told him he was a Coxcomb, always pretending
to be Wiser than his Companions; Lewis and
I are good Friends, he's an honest Fellow, and, I dare
say, will stand to his Bargain. The Sequel of the
Story prov'd this Fellow's Suspicion to be too well-grounded;
for Lewis reveal▪d our whole Secret to the
Deceas'd Lord Strutt, who, in Reward to his Treachery,
and Revenge to Frog and me, settled his whole
Estate upon the present Philip Baboon: Then we understood
what he meant by piecing the Map together.Mrs. Bull.And was you surpris'd at this? Had not
Lord Strutt reason to be Angry? Would you have been
contented to have been so us'd your self?J. Bull.Why, truly Wife, it was not easily reconciled
to the common Methods, but then it was the
Fashion to do such things: I have read of your Golden
Age, your Silver Age, &c. one might justly call this
the Age of the Lawyers. There was hardly a Man
of Substance in all the Country, but had  Counterfeit
that pretended to his Estate: As the Philosophers
say, that there is a Duplicate of every Terrestrial Animal
at Sea, so it was in this Age of the Lawyers,
there was at least two of every thing; nay, o' my
Conscience, I think there were three Esquire Hackums
at one time. Lewis Baboon entertain▪d a Fellow that
call'd himself John Bull's Heir; I knew him no more
than the Child unborn, yet he brought me into some
Trouble and Expence. There was another that pretended
to be Esq. South; and two Lord Strutts, you
know. In short, it was usual for a parcel of Fellows
to meet, and dispose of the whole Estates in the Country:
This lies convenient for me Tom; Thou would do
more good with that Dick, than the Old Fellow that has it▪
So to Law they went with the true Owners; the
Lawyers got well by it, every Body else was undone.
It was a common thing for an honest Man, when he
came Home at Night, to find another Fellow domineering
in his Family, hectoring his Servants, calling
for Supper, and pretending to go to Bed to his Wife.
In every House you might observe two Sofia's quarrelling
who was Master: For my own part, I am still
afraid of the same Treatment, that I should find some
Body behind my Counter selling my Broad Cloath.Mrs Bull.There are a sort of Fellows that they call
Banterers, and Bambouzlers, that play such Tricks;
but, it seems, these Fellows were in earnest.J. Bull.I begin to think that Justice is a better Rule
than Conveniency, for all some People make so slight
on't.CHAP. VII. Of the hard Shifts Mrs. Bull was put to, to preserve the
Mannor of Bullock's Hatch; with Sir Roger's Method
to keep off importunate Duns.AS John Bull and his Wife were talking together,
they were surpriz▪d with a sudden knocking at

the Door, those wicked Scriveners and Lawyers
no doubt (quoth John) and so it was; some asking for
the Money he ow'd, and others warning to prepare
for the approaching Term: What a cursed Life do I
lead ▪quoth John)? Debt is like deadly Sin; for God-sake,
Sir Roger, get me rid of these Fellows. I'll warrant you
(quoth Sir Roger) leave them to me. And in eed it
was pleasant enough to observe Sir Roger's Method
with these importunate Duns; his sincere Friendship
for John Bull, made him submit to many things, for his
Service, which he would have scorn▪d to have done
for himself. Sometimes he would stand at the Door
with his long Poll to keep off the Duns, 'till John got
out at the Back-Door. When the Lawyers and Tradesmen
brought extravagant Bills, Sir Roger us'd to bargain
before hand, for leave to cut off a quarter of a
Yard in any part of the Bill he pleased; he wore a
pair of Scissars in his Pocket for this purpose, and
would snip it off so nicely, as you cannot imagine;
like a  Goldsmith he kept all your Holydays;
there was not one wanting in his Calendar; when
ready Money was scarce, he would set them a telling
a tho Pounds and Six-pences, Groats, and Three
pe Pieces: It would have done your Heart good
to have seen him charge thro' an Army of Lawyers,
Attorney's, Clerks and Tradesmen; sometimes with
Sword in Hand, at other times nuzling like an Eel in
the Mud: When a Fellow stuck like a Bur, that there
was no shaking him off, he  to be a mighty inquisitive
about the Health of his Uncles and Aunts in the
Country; he could call them all by their Names, for
he knew every Body, and could talk to them in their
own way. The extremely Impertinent he would send
away to see some strange Sight, as the Dragon at Hockley
the Hole; or bid him call the 30th of next February.
Now and then you would see him in the Kitchen,
weighing the Beef and Butter, paying ready Money,
that the Maids might not run a-tick at the Market;
and the Butchers, by bribing of them, sell Damag▪d
and Light Meat. Another time he would slip into the
Cellar, and gage the Casks: In his leisure Minutes he

was posting his Books, and gathering in his Debts;
uch frugal Methods were necessary where Money was
so scarce, and Duns so numerous. All this while John
kept his Credit, could show his Head both at Change
and Westminister-Hall; no Man protested his Bill, nor
refus'd his Bond, only the Sharpers and the Scriveners;
the Lawyers and other Clerks pelted Sir Roger
as he went along. The Squirters were at it with their
Kennel-Water, for they were mad for the loss of their
Bubble, and that they could not get him to Mortgage
the Mannor of Bullocks Hatch. Sir Roger shook his Ears
and nuzled along, well-satisfied within himself that he
was doing a charitable Work, in rescuing an honest
Man from the Claws of Harpies and Blood-suckers.
Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate Wife, and a good
Housewife, could do; yet the Boundaries of Virtues
are indivisible Lines, it is impossible to march up close
to the Frontiers of Frugality, without entering the
Territories of Parsimony. Your good Housewifes,
are apt to look into the minutest Things: Therefore
some blam'd Mrs. Bull for new heel-piecing her Shoes,
grudging a quarter of a Pound of Soap and Sand to
scowre the Rooms, but especially, that she would not
allow her Maids and Apprentices the Benefit of John
Bunyan, the London-Apprentice, or the Seven-Champions,
in the Black Letter.CHAP. VIII. A Continuation of the Conversation betwixt John Bull and
his Wife.Mrs. Bull,IT is a most sad Life we lead, my Dear
to be so teaz'd paying Interest for Old
Debts, and still contracting new Ones.
However I don't blame you for vindicating your Honour
and chastizing old Lewis; to curb the Insolent,
protect the Opprest, recover ones own, and defend
what one has, are good Effects of the Law: The only
thing I want to know is how you came to make an End
of your Money before you finish'd your Law Suit.John Bull.I was told by the Learned in the Law,
that my Suit stood upon three firm Pillars: More Mony
for more Law, more Law for more Mony, and noComposition. More Money for more Law was plain
Demonstration, for who can go to Law without Mony?
and it was as plain, that any Man that has Mony,
may have Law for it. The third was as Evident as
the other two; for what Composition could be made
with a Rogue that never kept a Word he said?Mrs. Bull.I think you are most likely to get out of
this Labyrinth by the second Door, by want of ready
Money to purchase this precious Commodity: But you
seem not only to have bought too much of it, but have
paid too dear for what you have bought; else how was
it possible to run so much in Debt, when, at this very
time the yearly Income of what is Mortgag'd to those
Usurers would discharge Hocus's Bills, and give you
your Belly full of Law, or all your Life, without running
one Six Pence in Debt? You have been bred up
to Business; I suppose you can Cypher, I wonder you
never us'd your Pen and Ink.J. Bull.Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear
Wife, hold thy Tongue. Suppose a young Heir,
heedless, raw, and unexperienced, full of Spirit and
Vigour, with a favourite Passion, in the Hands of
 Scriveners: Such Fellows are like your Wire
 Mills, if they get hold of a Man's Finger,
 pull in his whole Body at last, till they squeeze
 Blood and Guts out of him. When I
wanted Mon, half a dozen of these Fellows were always
waiting in my Antichamber, with their Securities
ready drawn. I was tempted with the Ready,
some Farm or other went to Pot. I receiv'd with one
Hand, and paid it away with the other, to Lawyers;
that, like so many Hell hounds, were ready to devour
me. Then the Rogues would plead Poverty, and
Scarcity of Money, that always ended in receiving
Ninety for the Hundred After they had got Possession
of my best Rents, they were able to supply me with
my own Mony. But what was worse, when I look'd
into the Securities, there was no Clause of Redemption.Mrs. Bull.No Clause of Redemption, say you; that's
hard!John Bull.No great matter, for I cannot pay them.
They had got a worse Trick than that; the same
Man bought and Sold to himself, paid the Mony, and
gave the Acquittance: The same Man was Butcher
and Grasier, Brewer and Butler, Cook and Poulterer.
There is something still worse than all this; there came
twenty Bills upon me at once, which I had given Mony
to discharge; I was like to be pull'd to Pieces, by
Brewer, Butcher, and Baker, even my Herb-Woman
dun'd me as I went along the Streets (thanks to my
Friend Sir Rger, else I must have gone to Goal). When
I askd the meaning of this, I was told, the Mony went
to the Lawyers; Counsel won't tick, Sir; Hocus was
urging; my Book-keeper sat Sotting all Day, playing
at Purt, and All-fours: In short, by griping Usurers,
devouring Lawyers, and negligent Servants, I am
brought to this pass.Mrs. Bull.This was hard usage! but methinks, the
least reflection might have retriev'd you.J. Bull.'Tis true, yet consider my Circumstances, my
Honour was engag'd, and I did not know how to get out;
besides, I was for Five Years often Drunk, always muddled,
they carried me from Tavern to Tavern, to Alehouses
and Brandy-shops, brought me acquainted with
such strange Dogs: There goes the prittiest Fellow in the
World (says one) for managing a Jury, make him yours.
There's another can pick you up Witnesses. Serjeant such a
one has a Silver Tongue at the Bar. I believe, in time
I should have retain'd every single Person within the
Inns of Court. The Night after a Trial, I treated
the Lawyers, their Wives and Daughters, with Fiddles,
Hautboys, Drums and Trumpets. I was always
hot-headed; then they plac▪d me in the middle, the
Attorneys and their Clerks dancing about me, hooping
and hallowing, Long live John Bull, the Glory and
Support of the Law!Mrs. Bull.Really, Husband, you went through a
very notable Course.John Bull.One of the things that first alarm'd me
was, that they shew'd a Spite against my poor Old
Mother; Lord (quoth I) what makes you so Jealous

of a poor, old, innocent Gentlewoman, that minds
only her Prayers, and her Practice of Piety, she
never meddles in any of your Concerns? Foh (say
they) to see a handsome▪ brisk, genteel▪ young Fellow,
so much govern'd by a doating old Woman;
why don't yo and suck the Bubby? Do you consider
she keeps you of a good Jointure? she has the best of
your Estate settled upon her for Rent-Charge: Hang
her, old Thief, turn her out of Doors, seize her Lands,
and let her go to Law if she dares. Soft and fair,
Gentlemen (quoth I) my Mother's my Mother, our
Family are not of an unnatural Temper. Tho I
don't take all her Advice, I won't seize her Jointure;
long may she enjoy it, good Woman, I don't grudge
it her: She allows me now and then a Brace of Hundreds
for my Law-Suit; that's pretty fair. About
this time the old Gentlewoman fell ill of an odd sort
of a Distemper; it began with a Coldness and Numbness
in her Limbs, which by degrees affected the Nerves
(I think the Physicians call them) seiz'd the Brain,
and at last ended in a Lethargy. It betray'd it self
at first in a sort of Indifference and Carelesness in all
her Actions, Coldness to her best Friends, and an Aversion
to stir or go about the common Offices of Life.
She that was the cleanliest Creature in the World, never
shrunk now if you set a Close-stool under her Nose.
She that would sometimes rattle off her Servants pretty
sharply, now if she saw them drink, or heard them talk
profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her
usual Charities to deserving Persons, she threw away
her Money upon roaring swearing Bullies, and randy
Beggars, that went about the Streets. What is the matter
with the old Gentlewoman (said every Body) she nev
us'd to do in this manner? At last the Distemper grew
more violent, and threw her downright into ravi
Fits; in which she shriek'd out so loud, that she dsturb'd the whole Neighbourhood. In her Fits 
call'd out upon one Sir William. Oh! Sir William, 
hast betray'd me! kill'd me! stabb'd me! sold me 
Cuckold of Dover! See, see, Clum with his bloody Kni
seize him, seize him, stop him! Behold the the Fury, her hissing Snakes! Where's my Son John! is he well! is
he well! poor Man, I pity him! And abundance of such
strange Stuff, that no Body could make any thing of. I
knew little of the Matter, for when I enquir'd about
her Health, the Answer was, that she was in a good moderate
way. Physicians were sent for in haste; Sir Roger
with great difficulty, brought Rff; Gth
came upon the first Message. There were several others
call'd in; but, as usual upon such Occasions, they
differ'd strangely at the Consultation. At last they
divided into two Parties, one sided with Gth,
and the other with Rff. Dr. Gth. This
Case seems to me to be plainly Hysterical; the Old Woman
is Whimsical; it is a common thing for your Old Women to
be so: I'll pawn my Life, Blisters with the Steel Diet, will
recover her. Others suggested strong Purging and Letting
of Blood because she was Plethorick. Some went
so far as to say the Old Woman was mad, and nothing
would do better than a little Corporal Correction.
Rff. Gentlemen, you are mistaken in this Case, it is
plainly an accute Distemper, and she cannot hold out three
Days, without she is supported with strong Cordials. I
came into the Room with a good deal of Concern, and
ask'd them what they thought of my Mother? In no
manner of Danger, I vow to God (quoth Gth) the Old
Woman is Hysterical, Fanciful, Sir, I vow to God. I tell
you, Sir (says Rff) she can't live three Days to an end,
unless there is some very effectual Course taken with her, she
has a Malignant Fever. Then Fool, Puppy, and Blockhead,
was the best Words they gave. I could hardly
restrain them from throwing the Ink-Bottles at one
another's Heads. I forgot to tell you, that one Party
of the Physicians desir'd I would take my Sister Peg
into the House to Nurse her, but the Old Gentlewoman
would not hear of that. At last one Physician ask'd
if the Lady had ever been us'd to take Laudanum; her
Maid answer'd, not that she knew; that indeed there
was a High German Livery-Man of hers, one Van Ptschirnsooker,
that gave her a sort of a Quack Powder.
The Physician desir'd to see it; Nay, says he, there is
Opium in this, I am sure.Mrs. Bull.I hope you examin'd a little into this
Matter.John Bull.I did indeed, and discover'd a great Mystery
of Iniquity. The Witnesses made Oath, That they
had heard some of the Livery-men frequently railing at
their Mistress. They said, She was a troublesome
fiddle faddle old Woman, and so ceremonious that
there was no bearing of her. They were so plagu'd
with bowing and cringing as they went in and out of
the Room, that their Backs ach'd; she us'd to scold
at one for his dirty Shoes, at another for his greasie
Hair, and not combing his Head: Then she was so
passionate and fiery in her Temper, that there was no
living with her; she wanted something to sweeten
her Blood; that they never had a quiet Night's rest,
for getting up in the Morning to early Sacraments;
that they wish'd they could find some way or another
to keep the old Woman quiet in her Bed. Such Discourses
were often overheard among the Livery-men,
that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had undertook this
Matter. A Maid made Affidavit, That she had seen
the said Van Ptschirnsooker one of the Livery-Men,
frequently making up of Medicines and administring
them to all the Neighbours; that she saw him one
Morning make up the Powder which her Mistress
took; that she had the Curiosity to ask him whence
he had the Ingredients? They come (says he) from
several Parts of de World; dis I have from Geneva,
dat from Rome, this White Powder from Amsterdam,
and the Red from Edinburgh; but the chief Ingredient
of all comes from Turkey. It was likewise proved,
that the said Van Ptschirnsooker had been frequently
seen at the Rose with Jack, who was known to bea
an inveterate Spite to his Mistress; That he brought 
certain Powder to his Mistress, which the Examina
believes to be the same, and spoke the following Word▪
Madam, here is grand Secret van de Warld; my sweetni
Powder, it does temperate de Humour, despel de Wind
and cure de Vapour; it lulleth and quieteth de Animal Sprits,
procuring Rest, and pleasant Dreams: It is the infallble
Receipt for de Scurvy, all Heass in de Bloodt, and Bringout upon de Skin; It is de true Blood Stancher, stopping
all Fluxes of de bloodt. If you do take dis, you will never
ail any ding; it will Cure you of all Diseases: And abundance
more to this purpose, which the Examinant does
not remember.John Bull was interrupted in his Story by a Porter,
that brought him a Letter from Nicholas Frog, which is
as follows.CHAP. IX. A Copy of Nic. Frog's Letter to John Bull.[John Bull Reads]Friend John.WHat lum is it that makes thee jealous
of thy old Friend Nicholas? Hast
thou forgot how some Years ago he took
thee out of the Spunging House? ['Tis true, my Friend
Nic. did so, and I thank him; but he made me pay a
swinging Reck'ning.] Thou begins now to repent the Bargain
that thou wast so fond of; and, if thou durst, would
forswear thy own Hand and Seal. Thou sayst, that thou
hast purchas'd me too great an Estate already; when at the
same time thou knowest I have only a Mortgage: 'Tis true,
I have Possession, and the Tenants own me for Master; but,
has not Esquire South the Equity of Redemption? [No
doubt, and will redeem it very speedily; poor Nic.
has only Possession, eleven Points of the Law] As
for the Turnpikes I have set up they are for other People
not for my Friand John: I have order'd my Servant constantly
to attend to et thy Carriages through without paying
any thing: only I hope thou wilt not come too heavy laden
to spoil my Ways. Certainly I have just Cause of Offence
against thee my Friend, for supposing it possible that thou and
I should ever quarrel: What Hounsfoot is it that puts these
Whims in thy Head? Ten Thousand Last of Devils haul
me if I don't love thee as I love my Life. [No question,
as the Devil loves Holy-Water!] Does not thy own
Hand and Seal oblige  to purchase for me, till I say it is
enough? Are not  Words plain. I say it is not enough.
Dost thou think thy Frind Nicholas Frog made a
Child's Bargain? Mark the Words of thy Contract,
tota pecunia, with all thy Money. [Very well! I have
purchas'd with my own Money, my Childrens, and
my Grand childrens Money, is not that enough? Well
tota pecunia let it be, for at present I have none at all;
He would not have me purchase with other Peoples
Money sure, since tota pecunia is the Bargain; I think
it is plain, no more Money, no more Purchase.] And
whatever the World may say, Nicholas Frog is but a poor
Man in comparison of the rich, the opulent John Bull great
Clothier of the Warld. I have had many Losses, six of my
best Sheep were drown'd, and the Water has come into my
Cellar, and spoil'd a Pipe of my best Brandy: It would be a
more friendly Act in thee to carry a Brief about the Country
to repair the Losses of thy poor Friend. Is it not evident to
all the World, that I am still hem'd in by Lewis Baboon?
is he not just upon my Borders? [And so he will be if I
Purchase a thousand Acres more, unless he gets some
Body betwixt them.] I tell thee Friend John thou hast
Flatterers, that persuade thee that thou art a Man of
Business; do not believe them: If thou would'st still
leave thy Affairs in my Hands thou should'st see how
handsomly I would deal by thee. That ever thou
should'st be dazzled with the inchanted Islands, and
Mountains of Gold, that old Lewis promises thee!
'Dswounds! Why dost thou not lay out thy Money to
Purchase a Place at Court, of honest Israel? I tell
thee, thou must not so much as think of a Composition.
[Not think of a Composition, that's hard indeed; I
can't help thinking of it, if I would.] Thou complainst
of want of Money, let thy Wife and Daughter burn
the God Lace upon their Petticoats, sell thy fat Cattle;
retrench but a Sirloin of Beef, and a Peck-Loaf
in a Week from thy gormandizing Guts [Retrench
my Beef, a Dog! Retrench my Beef! then it is plain
the Rascal has an ill Design upon me, he would starve
me.] Mortgage thy Manor of Bullocks Hatch, or Pawn
thy Crop for Ten Year. [A Rogue! Part with my
Country Seat, my Patrimony, all that I have left in
the World, I▪ll see him hang'd first.] Why hast thou
chang'd thy Attorney? Can any Man manage thy
Cause better for thee? [Very pleasant! because a Man
has a good Attorney, he must never make an End of
his Law-Suit.] Ah John, John, I wish thou knevvest
thy ovvn Mind: Thou art as fickle as the Wind. I

tell thee thou hadst better let this Composition alone,
or leave it to thy Loving Friend,Nic. Frog.CHAP. X. Of some extraordinary Things that pass'd at the Salutation
Tavern, in the Conference between Bull, Frog,EsqSouth, and Lewis Baboon.Frog had given his Word, that he would meet the
above mention'd Company at the Salutation, to
talk of this Agreement; tho' he durst not directly
break his Appointment, he made many a shuffling Excuse;
one time he pretended to be seized with the
Gout in his right Knee; then he got a great Cold
that had struck him deaf of one Ear; afterwards two
of his Coach-Horses fell sick, and he durst not go by
Water, for fear of catching an Ague. John would take
no Excuse but hurry'd him away: Come Nic. (says he)
let's go and hear at least what this old Fellow has to
propose; I hope there's no hurt in that. Be it so (quoth
Nic.) but if I catch any harm, woe be to you; my
Wife and Children will curse you as long as they live.
When they were come to the Salutation, John concluded
all was sure then, and that he shou'd be troubled
no more with Law affairs; he thought every Body as
plain and sincere as he was. Well Neighbours (quoth
he) let's now make an end of all Matters, and live
peaceably together for the time to come; if every body
is as well inclin'd as I, we shall quickly come to the
upshot of our Affair: And so pointing to Frog to say
something, to the great surprize of all the Company,
Frog was seizd with a dead Palsy in the Tongue.
John began to ask him some plain Questions, and hoop'd
and hollow'd in his Ear. John Bull, Let's come to
the Point, Nic' Who would'st thou have to be the
Lord Strutt? Would'st thou have Philip Baboon? Nic,
shook his head and said nothing. John Bull Wilt thou
then have Esquire South to be Lord Strutt? Nic. shook
his Head a second time. John Bull. Then who the Devil
wilt thou have? say something or another. Nic. open▪d
his Mouth, and pointed to his Tongue, and cry'd A,
a a, a! which was as much as to say, he could not
speak. John Bull. Shall I serve Philip Baboon with

Broad cloth, and accept of the Composition that he
offers, with the Liberty of his Parks and Fishponds?
Then Nic. roar'd like a Bull, O, o, o, o! If thou wilt not let me have them, wilt thou take
them thy self? Then Nic. grin'd, cackled and laugh'd,
till he was like to kill himself, and seem'd to be so
pleas'd, that he fell a frisking and dancing about the
oom. John Bull. Shall I leave all this Matter to thy
anagement, Nic. and go about my Business? Then Nic.
got up a Glass, and drank to John, shaking him by the
Hand till he had like to have shook his shoulder out of
Joint. John Bull. I understand thee, Nic. but I shall
make thee speak before I go. Then Nic. put his Finger in
his Cheek, and made him cry Buck, which was as much
as to say, I care not a Farthing for thee. John Bull.
I have done Nic. If thou wilt not speak, I'll make my own
Terms with old Lewis here. Then Nic loll▪d out his
Tongue, and turn'd up his Bumm to him; which was
as much as to say, Kiss . John perceiving that Frog
would not speak, turns to old Lewis: Since we cannot
make this obstinate Fellow speak, Lewis pray condescend a
little to his Humour, and set down thy meaning upon Paper,
 may answer it in another Scrap. I am infinitely
 (quoth Lewis) that it happens so unfortunately; for
playing a little at Cudgels t'other Day, a Fellow has given
me such a Rap over the Right Arm, that I am quite Lame:
 have lost the Use of my Forefinger and Thumb, so that I
 hold my Pen. John Bull, That's all one, let me
 for you. Lewis. But I have a Misfortune, that I
nnot read any bodies hand but my own. John Bull. Try
what you can do with your Left Hand. Lewis. That's
impossible; it will make such a Scrawl, that it will not be
legible. As they were talking of this Matter, in came
Esquire South all drest up in Feathers and Ribbons,
stark staring mad, brandishing his Sword, as if he
ld have cut off their Heads; crying, Room, room,
 for the grand Esquire of the World! the Flower of
quires! What, cover'd in my Presence; I'll crush your
ouls, and crack you like Lice! With that he had like to
ave struck John Bull's Hat into the Fire; but John, was pretty strong fisted, gave him such a Squeeze,

as made his Eyes Water. He went on still in his mad
Pranks; When I am Lord of the Universe, the sun shall
 and adore me! Thou, Frog, shalt be my Bailiff;
Lewis my Taylor, and thou, John Bull, shalt be my Fool!
All this Frog laugh▪d in his Sleeve, gave the
Esquire  Noggan of Brandy, and clap▪d him on
the Back which made him ten times madder. Poor
John stood in amaze, talking thus to himself: Well
John thou art got into rare Company! One has a dumb Devil▪
t'other a mad Devil, and the third a Spirit of Infirmity.
An honest Man has a fine time on▪t amongst such
Rogues. What art thou asking of them after all? Some
mighty Boon one would think! Only to sit quietly at thy own
Fireside. 'Sdeath, what have I to do with such Fellows!
John Bull after all  Losses and Crsses can live better
without them, than they can without him. Would to God
I liv'd a thousand Leagues off them: But the Devil's in't:
John Bull is in, and John Bull must get out as well as be
can. As he was talking to himself, he observ▪d Frog
and Old Lewis edgng towards one another to Whisper;
so that John was forced to sit with his Arms a-kimbo,
to keep them asunder. Some People advis'd John to
Blood Frog under the Tonue, or take away his Bread
and Butter, which would certainly make him speak;
to give Esquire South Hellebore; as for Lewis, some
were for emollient Poltass, others for opening his
Arm with an Incision knife.I could not obtain from Sir Humphry, at this time,
a Copy of John▪s Letter, which he sent to his Nephew
by the young Necromancer; wherein he advises him
not to eat Butter, Ham, and drink Old Hock in a
Morning, with the Esquire and Frog, for fear of giving
him a sour Breath.FINIS.